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After love, it's all extras: Weddings can be meaningful without lot of fuss.
Publication Date: 18-MAY-06
Byline: Jackie Burrell
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. _ The guests gathered in Tony Black and Pauline Cotten's Sausalito, Calif.,
houseboat were thrilled when Black clinked his wineglass and asked them to gather round. This chic
cocktail party, they thought, was about to turn into an engagement celebration. But it was better
than that. It was a surprise wedding.
No fuss, said the Blacks, who celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year. There was no
agonizing over dresses or venues or bridal magazines, just a gathering of dearly beloveds, a minister
and more than a dash of romance.
These days, it can take years to secure the trendy venue, order the handmade gown and nail down
the Norwegian cloudberries. Two years of unrelenting bridal attention is bound to turn even the most
demure fiancee into a raging, stressed-out Bridezilla. And a bankrupt one, as well.
``A wedding is a rite of passage, not a performance,'' said Catherine Freemire, a marriage and family
therapist who teaches courses on life rituals at John F. Kennedy University and San Francisco State.
``Keep some relaxed energy about it, bring meaning to it,'' Freemire says.
The reality is, you don't need exotic cuisine or a butterfly release to get married, said elopement
planner Ema Drouillard, an ordained interfaith minister who has performed thousands of weddings.
All you need is a bride, a groom and an officiant.
``A long time ago I researched what you could take out of Christmas and have it still be Christmas,''
said Drouillard. ``So what about weddings? What are the essential ingredients that make it heartfelt
and meaningful?''
Now, the minister performs weddings atop a crumbling stone tower, on the sand of the beach and in
the shadow of the romantic windmill in Golden Gate Park. She brings her camera and a bouquet for
the bride, and grabs misty-eyed spectators to sign the marriage license.
It's a ``sweet job,'' she says.
Some couples bring a few friends or family members. Sometimes they come alone. But they're all
searching for a romantic way to get hitched, without submitting to the expectations of a $70 billion a
year wedding industry.
They're not alone.
Last year, 1,164 couples got hitched by the Contra Costa (Calif.) County Clerk alone.
On a recent Friday morning, Brentwood, Calif., firefighter Jason Faria married his bride, Carmela,
midmorning _ one of eight weddings performed that day. On Valentine's Day, the weddings run
every 15 minutes.
``They'd rather buy the house than pay for the big wedding,'' said assistant recorder Barbara
Chambers, who has performed more than 5,000 weddings in the last 25 years. ``They're just as
married.''
Instead of spending $22,000-plus _ the cost of an average wedding these days _ couples spend less
than $100 on the marriage license and ceremony.
``It's a Reno-West kind of deal, but we wear our judicial robes,'' said Chambers. ``I want it to be real,
be genuine for them. You don't want it to be, `Next! Next!' I've had them jump the broom, smash the
glass _ Mazel tov! _ toss the lasso.''
Some bring flowers, a limo and a gown. Others marry in cut-offs or, like Faria, don't bother to shave
(it was his day off, after all). But Chambers snaps pictures left and right. It's a special day, no matter
what the accouterments.
And once you get past the bride, the groom and the officiant, it's all accouterments. Prioritize, say
wedding experts. Spend money on what's important to you.
No one's suggesting that you eliminate flowers, particularly since, as Drouillard points out, wedding
photos without flowers look like prom pictures. But when your floral tab costs more than the
honeymoon, it may be time to rethink those Black Magic vanda orchids.
Bridal therapist Allison Moir-Smith, author of the just-published ``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's
Guide to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' carried a bouquet of daisies, which coordinated
with her groom's yellow tie and flower girls' daisy-yellow dresses. She got married in her parents'
garden, she said, and her rehearsal dinner menu included lasagna and Klondike bars.
Other brides say there are plenty of other ways to save money. On the Berkeley, Calif., Parents
Network Web site, one bride described how her mother and mother-in-law-to-be bonded over pots of
annuals. Instead of buying expensive centerpieces, they clustered colorful, blooming plants in baskets
and terra cotta pots.
Oakland, Calif., bride Maxine McKinney and her graphic artist fiance made their own save-the-date
cards for their wedding in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The result _ mugshots of the couple with a note from
the San Juan police department requesting guests' ``expert testimony'' _ was hilarious and
memorable.
``Since he's a graphic artist we did something really nontraditional, 'cause they tend to be cheesy or
corny,'' said McKinney, 28. ``We'll obviously be doing our own wedding invitations.''
And, a chorus of brides advise, when friends offer to help, let them. Talented friends don't just save the
couple cash when they offer to take wedding portraits, arrange flowers or style hair, they add a more
personal touch to a memorable day.
When Oakland bride Kaamil Bey started working on her wedding plans, she knew she wanted to
incorporate her fiance's cultural background into the festivities, but there were so many details to
coordinate.
``Adrian's from the Caribbean, so we wanted to incorporate that, and we love the Latino culture,'' said
the 27-year-old bride. ``We wanted people to have fun.''
Bey's best friend Jerusha Stewart -- an author with plenty of connections, fashion sense and a perfect
grasp of what was most important to the couple -- offered to help plan the event. Instead of the $3,000
a planner might charge, all Stewart wanted in return was a day at a spa.
The result will be a wedding brimming with Afro-Cuban chic, with a salsa dance coordinator to get
people moving on the dance floor, and the hearts and souls of friends and family woven into the
ceremony.
``(Jerusha's) finding a way to incorporate people who mean something to us,'' said Bey, ``having each
of them speak during the reception, read, sing.''
___
ONLINE TIPS
_Bridal budget tips, inexpensive gowns and a hilarious and helpful discussion board called ``Kvetch,''
www.indiebride.com, the site for ``the independent minded bride.''
BY THE BOOK
_``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' by bridal
therapist Allison Moir-Smith, helps brides stay in touch with the emotional side of this rite of passage
by acknowledging that weddings also mark a farewell to childhood, singledom, and mom and dad.
_``The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched'' and ``The
Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner,'' by bridal counselor Sheryl Paul, approach weddings from both
the practical and emotional sides.
_``The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,'' by relationship expert John Gottman, looks
beyond the usual ``communication, communication, communication'' mantra for practical tips on
what really makes marriages work.
___
WITHOUT GOING BROKE
_PRIORITIZE
Decide what's most important to you -- the venue, the dress, the cake, the band -- and prioritize your
spending accordingly.
_THE INVITATIONS
Miss Manners frowns at the very notion of wedding e-vites, but if you're handy with a mouse, you can
print your own at home, or use a discount printer, like Costco.com or Kinko's, to reduce costs. You don't
need save-the-date cards. And you don't need programs either. If your guests need a program to
identify you, they shouldn't be at your wedding.
_THE VENUE
A beautiful garden or home -- your own or a friend's -- is free and there's no two-year waiting list.
State and regional parks have beautiful, low-cost wedding sites. Most traditional reception sites are
cheaper on nontraditional days of the week -- like a Friday evening or a Thursday.
_THE FLOWERS
Forgo the big bouquet. A single, long-stemmed rose, lily or other extravagant bloom, wrapped in
ribbon, makes an elegant statement, too.
_THE CATERER
Reduce costs with a brunch or a dessert and champagne reception, rather than a sit-down dinner. Or,
hire a wait staff to serve hors d'oeuvre platters from Costco, your favorite deli or a talented friend's
kitchen.
_THE CAKE
Splurge on a small, beautiful wedding cake for the cake-cutting ceremony, and use sheet cakes to
serve the other 100 guests. Wedding cakes are $15 per slice, says Costco consumer expert Pat Volchok.
Sheet cakes run 50 cents a serving.
_YOUR TALENTED FRIENDS
Accept help from talented friends who offer to photograph the wedding, bake the cake, style your hair
or design your invitations.
_AND PSST, IT'S OK TO ELOPE
Get hitched at city hall, or just run away. Or hire an elopement planner to add a dash of romance --
Ema Drouillard will bring the bouquet, take photos, make wedding night dinner reservations and
perform the ceremony too, for less than a grand. Hold a newlywed cocktail party at home after the
honeymoon.
___
(Knight Ridder Newspapers correspondent Jessica Yadegaran contributed to this story.)
___
(c) 2006, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.).
Visit the Contra Costa Times on the Web at http://www.contracostatimes.com.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.
Publication Date: 18-MAY-06
Byline: Jackie Burrell
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. _ The guests gathered in Tony Black and Pauline Cotten's Sausalito, Calif.,
houseboat were thrilled when Black clinked his wineglass and asked them to gather round. This chic
cocktail party, they thought, was about to turn into an engagement celebration. But it was better
than that. It was a surprise wedding.
No fuss, said the Blacks, who celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary this year. There was no
agonizing over dresses or venues or bridal magazines, just a gathering of dearly beloveds, a minister
and more than a dash of romance.
These days, it can take years to secure the trendy venue, order the handmade gown and nail down
the Norwegian cloudberries. Two years of unrelenting bridal attention is bound to turn even the most
demure fiancee into a raging, stressed-out Bridezilla. And a bankrupt one, as well.
``A wedding is a rite of passage, not a performance,'' said Catherine Freemire, a marriage and family
therapist who teaches courses on life rituals at John F. Kennedy University and San Francisco State.
``Keep some relaxed energy about it, bring meaning to it,'' Freemire says.
The reality is, you don't need exotic cuisine or a butterfly release to get married, said elopement
planner Ema Drouillard, an ordained interfaith minister who has performed thousands of weddings.
All you need is a bride, a groom and an officiant.
``A long time ago I researched what you could take out of Christmas and have it still be Christmas,''
said Drouillard. ``So what about weddings? What are the essential ingredients that make it heartfelt
and meaningful?''
Now, the minister performs weddings atop a crumbling stone tower, on the sand of the beach and in
the shadow of the romantic windmill in Golden Gate Park. She brings her camera and a bouquet for
the bride, and grabs misty-eyed spectators to sign the marriage license.
It's a ``sweet job,'' she says.
Some couples bring a few friends or family members. Sometimes they come alone. But they're all
searching for a romantic way to get hitched, without submitting to the expectations of a $70 billion a
year wedding industry.
They're not alone.
Last year, 1,164 couples got hitched by the Contra Costa (Calif.) County Clerk alone.
On a recent Friday morning, Brentwood, Calif., firefighter Jason Faria married his bride, Carmela,
midmorning _ one of eight weddings performed that day. On Valentine's Day, the weddings run
every 15 minutes.
``They'd rather buy the house than pay for the big wedding,'' said assistant recorder Barbara
Chambers, who has performed more than 5,000 weddings in the last 25 years. ``They're just as
married.''
Instead of spending $22,000-plus _ the cost of an average wedding these days _ couples spend less
than $100 on the marriage license and ceremony.
``It's a Reno-West kind of deal, but we wear our judicial robes,'' said Chambers. ``I want it to be real,
be genuine for them. You don't want it to be, `Next! Next!' I've had them jump the broom, smash the
glass _ Mazel tov! _ toss the lasso.''
Some bring flowers, a limo and a gown. Others marry in cut-offs or, like Faria, don't bother to shave
(it was his day off, after all). But Chambers snaps pictures left and right. It's a special day, no matter
what the accouterments.
And once you get past the bride, the groom and the officiant, it's all accouterments. Prioritize, say
wedding experts. Spend money on what's important to you.
No one's suggesting that you eliminate flowers, particularly since, as Drouillard points out, wedding
photos without flowers look like prom pictures. But when your floral tab costs more than the
honeymoon, it may be time to rethink those Black Magic vanda orchids.
Bridal therapist Allison Moir-Smith, author of the just-published ``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's
Guide to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' carried a bouquet of daisies, which coordinated
with her groom's yellow tie and flower girls' daisy-yellow dresses. She got married in her parents'
garden, she said, and her rehearsal dinner menu included lasagna and Klondike bars.
Other brides say there are plenty of other ways to save money. On the Berkeley, Calif., Parents
Network Web site, one bride described how her mother and mother-in-law-to-be bonded over pots of
annuals. Instead of buying expensive centerpieces, they clustered colorful, blooming plants in baskets
and terra cotta pots.
Oakland, Calif., bride Maxine McKinney and her graphic artist fiance made their own save-the-date
cards for their wedding in San Juan, Puerto Rico. The result _ mugshots of the couple with a note from
the San Juan police department requesting guests' ``expert testimony'' _ was hilarious and
memorable.
``Since he's a graphic artist we did something really nontraditional, 'cause they tend to be cheesy or
corny,'' said McKinney, 28. ``We'll obviously be doing our own wedding invitations.''
And, a chorus of brides advise, when friends offer to help, let them. Talented friends don't just save the
couple cash when they offer to take wedding portraits, arrange flowers or style hair, they add a more
personal touch to a memorable day.
When Oakland bride Kaamil Bey started working on her wedding plans, she knew she wanted to
incorporate her fiance's cultural background into the festivities, but there were so many details to
coordinate.
``Adrian's from the Caribbean, so we wanted to incorporate that, and we love the Latino culture,'' said
the 27-year-old bride. ``We wanted people to have fun.''
Bey's best friend Jerusha Stewart -- an author with plenty of connections, fashion sense and a perfect
grasp of what was most important to the couple -- offered to help plan the event. Instead of the $3,000
a planner might charge, all Stewart wanted in return was a day at a spa.
The result will be a wedding brimming with Afro-Cuban chic, with a salsa dance coordinator to get
people moving on the dance floor, and the hearts and souls of friends and family woven into the
ceremony.
``(Jerusha's) finding a way to incorporate people who mean something to us,'' said Bey, ``having each
of them speak during the reception, read, sing.''
___
ONLINE TIPS
_Bridal budget tips, inexpensive gowns and a hilarious and helpful discussion board called ``Kvetch,''
www.indiebride.com, the site for ``the independent minded bride.''
BY THE BOOK
_``Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the `Happiest' Time of Her Life,'' by bridal
therapist Allison Moir-Smith, helps brides stay in touch with the emotional side of this rite of passage
by acknowledging that weddings also mark a farewell to childhood, singledom, and mom and dad.
_``The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched'' and ``The
Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner,'' by bridal counselor Sheryl Paul, approach weddings from both
the practical and emotional sides.
_``The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,'' by relationship expert John Gottman, looks
beyond the usual ``communication, communication, communication'' mantra for practical tips on
what really makes marriages work.
___
WITHOUT GOING BROKE
_PRIORITIZE
Decide what's most important to you -- the venue, the dress, the cake, the band -- and prioritize your
spending accordingly.
_THE INVITATIONS
Miss Manners frowns at the very notion of wedding e-vites, but if you're handy with a mouse, you can
print your own at home, or use a discount printer, like Costco.com or Kinko's, to reduce costs. You don't
need save-the-date cards. And you don't need programs either. If your guests need a program to
identify you, they shouldn't be at your wedding.
_THE VENUE
A beautiful garden or home -- your own or a friend's -- is free and there's no two-year waiting list.
State and regional parks have beautiful, low-cost wedding sites. Most traditional reception sites are
cheaper on nontraditional days of the week -- like a Friday evening or a Thursday.
_THE FLOWERS
Forgo the big bouquet. A single, long-stemmed rose, lily or other extravagant bloom, wrapped in
ribbon, makes an elegant statement, too.
_THE CATERER
Reduce costs with a brunch or a dessert and champagne reception, rather than a sit-down dinner. Or,
hire a wait staff to serve hors d'oeuvre platters from Costco, your favorite deli or a talented friend's
kitchen.
_THE CAKE
Splurge on a small, beautiful wedding cake for the cake-cutting ceremony, and use sheet cakes to
serve the other 100 guests. Wedding cakes are $15 per slice, says Costco consumer expert Pat Volchok.
Sheet cakes run 50 cents a serving.
_YOUR TALENTED FRIENDS
Accept help from talented friends who offer to photograph the wedding, bake the cake, style your hair
or design your invitations.
_AND PSST, IT'S OK TO ELOPE
Get hitched at city hall, or just run away. Or hire an elopement planner to add a dash of romance --
Ema Drouillard will bring the bouquet, take photos, make wedding night dinner reservations and
perform the ceremony too, for less than a grand. Hold a newlywed cocktail party at home after the
honeymoon.
___
(Knight Ridder Newspapers correspondent Jessica Yadegaran contributed to this story.)
___
(c) 2006, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.).
Visit the Contra Costa Times on the Web at http://www.contracostatimes.com.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.
| 415-409-9264 |